Our first Angel

Posted on October 16 2018

Motherhood is a crazy thing. You carry this miracle around for 9 months; you give up booze, watch what you eat, take your vitamins. You then labor for hours upon hours in the worst pain of your life just to bring this little human being into the world. The same human being that has your eyes and your husband's nose. You feel like a superhero. You..gave..life! Pretty crazy huh?

But what about those women who are blessed with a pregnancy but never get a chance to meet their miracle under the same circumstances? Those who have to deal with the crash of pregnancy hormones without the joy of caring for an infant. 

October is infant loss awareness month. Its a topic that I hold very close to my heart. Losing a child is something that I wish I never had to go through, even more so I wish no one had to deal with the destruction of losing a child. It's something I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy.

Many do not know that my husband and I had lost our first child. I was 9 weeks along and had just seen our baby's heart beat flashing across the ultrasound machine just 3 days prior. I had no clue that there was something wrong with our baby. Because the ultrasound tech is not legally allowed to disclose any diagnosis's, she couldn't tell us that our baby was only measuring at 6 weeks, she couldn't tell us what our future held which was ultimately that our little one wasn't going to make it. I wasn't scheduled to see my Dr. until the following week and at that point, it was already too late.

We walked out of that appointment with our black and white picture of our baby in our hand, started thinking of names and how we were going to decorate the nursery. 3 days later I would be rushed to the emergency room and was told that there was no heartbeat. A heart beat that I had just seen pumping away on that fuzzy little screen was now completely still.

Motherhood had ruined me. I was told over and over again, "It wasn't meant to be" or "You'll have another baby." I understand that in times of despair and loss, people just don't know how to respond. The truth of it was that my child was meant to be. Just because we never met him/her doesn't mean that it's short life didn't have a purpose. In fact, our angel's short life had uncovered an un-diagnosed auto-immune disease that I had no idea about. A disease that if left un-treated would have led to further miscarriages or the possibility of still-born/premature labor. If it wasn't for our first baby, we would of never had our rainbow Myles. 

Losing a baby is something that I never thought would happen to me. It was the darkest time of my life. I felt so broken and worthless. It's something that I understand now that happens to far too many families but at the time, I felt so alone. I never intended on sharing this part of our life but unfortunately there is so many women out there who have gone through the loss of a child and feel the same kind of destruction I had. It's so important for me to share my story in hopes that it reaches another woman who is trying to put the pieces back together. I want her to know that she's not alone. That it's not her fault. That her child only knew love. That the pain will fade, it won't go away completely but it doesn't need to. That it's ok to feel all of the emotions that come along with such a tragedy. 

You cannot run from pain. Embrace it, let yourself feel, let yourself heal.

- Jen



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